Anger – That Scary Old Thing
I’ve noticed that lots of people write about anger management on the internet. Seems like most of the suggestions have to do with thinking and controlling yourself. If someone has a problem with anger, a natural emotion, that means that their reactions are too large, too angry, maybe scary to those around them and probably lead the person with that problem to say things they are very sorry for after. It can also lead to violence.
Over 25 years ago I went to a series of monthly workshops and a weekly support group led by John Gray and Barbara deAngelis who were married to each other at the time. In those groups they talked about anger and how old, unexpressed anger was at the root of anger problems. They taught us a technique that I still teach my clients. It’s called a Love Letter because they explained that love is underneath all the negative feelings.
I had a different kind of anger problem. I thought I didn’t have any – anger – that is. Even though I was 
criticized and yelled at throughout my entire childhood (and early adulthood) by my mother. Of course, I did. I just didn’t know it. I had lost connection to it. Of course, I did yell at my kids and my ex-husband but I didn’t know I was angry.
If you have an anger problem, you might try using this letter writing tool. It’s kind of like having free therapy. You go through your feelings in a safe environment by putting them on paper in a prescribed way. No one gets hurt and you rid yourself of a layer of stuck anger and all the feelings underneath.
We used to say in our groups with John and Barbara, “If you want to feel better, write a Love Letter.”
December 27, 2012 | Tags: anger management, life coach
Category: life coaching
Click Here for RSS
Unfortunately, anger is a normal human emotion. It is a problem when it is too intense,occurs too frequently, lasts too long, causes health problems, leads to person-directed aggression on impacts interpersonal relationships.
Therefore, the only objective way of determines ones level of anger is by assessments which are specifically structured to determine ones’ level of functioning in recognizing and managing anger, stress, assertive communication and emotional intelligence.
I thought I would add some important theory that has been discovered in relation to anger and domestic violence. If an “abuser,” be it physical (aka “batterer), verbal, or [and this is extremely important] “emotional/psychological” abuser,” then the treatment is extremely different. Additionally, the efficacy rate of an abuser is extremely low. Many abusers are sent to Anger Management courses for treatment. Anger management worsens the abuser’s violence. Therapy and counseling “heighten” the abuser’s violence! The only true treatment that has been shown to be effective toward “change” is an “Abusive Offender” course. Unfortunately, there are few programs across the nation. If a woman (men are abused by women also but report it less most likely due to society’s expectations of “what a ‘man’ is expected to ‘be’-another story for later)…if a woman or man is being abused by their partner, then they need to seek an emergency shelter immediately. The abuser must attend an “abuser program,” usually a six month program that works to literally “reshape” the cognitions (thought processes)of a their “belief system.” Yes, it is an actual belief system that ‘they’ have a right to hurt another due to superiority values. There is much more to it. Trust me, I have worked with both women of domestic violence and male abusers. The research is numerous.
Maia’s article is wonderful and is speaking of a different type of anger. I just wanted to add that “abuse” is not a product of “anger” to be managed. It is a deep belief system that is very resistant to change. Thank you Maia for bringing this “Anger Management” issue to the forefront. I agree with you! And, you have lit a fire underneath me-off I go to start writing about domestic violence and abuse.
~with greatest sincerity, Angela~
From what I gathered from the concept described in this post, writing a letter does seem like a productive way to let off some steam and pointed in the direction of letting go of any anger and/or resentment that would otherwise build up over time.
Interestingly simple concept…
Anger is not always a loud expression. It can also be a chronically irritable mood and a “bad attitude”. Easily angered people don’t always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw, sulk, or get sick. For those individuals who have explosions of anger, they can land themselves in trouble, enough to find themselves behind bars or charged with restraining orders. Destructive anger leads to problems in relationships, with the possibility of loss in marriage, job, school problems, and the overall quality of life. Anger management specifically affects one’s ability to make a dramatic change in handling anger. The focus is to help individuals develop the skills to handle conflicts successfully without losing their control.
By Sonia Brill, LCSW, CAMF
http://www.soniabrillconsulting.com
I love this and the letter writing idea.